March 2009
87 posts
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The Notorious B.I.G.-What’s Beef?
“So! Guess who was robbed today? Yup, that was me! That was me who got robbed. Lost everything that was plugged into my, uh, smoke thing, so that means the three-pronged thing, my GPS, my iPod, my iPod transmitter thing… Yeah! Basically, uh… Basically I’m… robbed. And…lost, because I don’t know how the fuck to get around without my GPS. Pretty… Pretty great day. Um… I wonder if I was robbed with my own fucking keys. That’d be… That’d just be funny. That’d be pretty funny if I was robbed with my keys, pretty hilarious. Um… Great, great day to be alive. To be unemployed. Really having a stellar week here. Just wanted to, uh, vent a little. You don’t need to call me back. I’ll probably drive somewhere and get lost. I was gonna file a police report but I have no idea how to get to the police station. So, probably just gonna… Probably just gonna be happy that I just lost my brand new GPS, my iPod. Have a happy day about it. Um… talk to you later!”
—a voicemail to me from Kevin McCarthy, who not only was robbed last night, but who lost the keys to his vehicle the night prior, preventing him from making it to an early morning interview for a dream job.
“Hopefully by splitting rent she can afford that neck she’s always wanted.”
—The one and only Kevin McCarthy- What a sentence. The above quote comes from this post. (via mattedits)
Play
CollegeHumor Show Season Finale - WATCH IT!
It’s hard to believe, but tonight is the season finale of The CollegeHumor Show (9:30 on MTV, in case you’re just joining us). Thanks to everyone who tuned in or watched online. I hope you enjoyed watching the show as much as we enjoyed making it.
We’ll be doing another Q&A on CollegeHumor later today, so keep an eye out for that.
“No matter what you do in LA, your behavior is appropriate for the city. Los Angeles has no assumed correct mode of use. No one’s going to save you; no one’s looking out for you. It’s the only city I know where that’s the explicit premise of living there—that’s the deal you make when you move to LA. The city, ironically, is emotionally authentic. It says: no one loves you; you’re the least important person in the room; get over it. What matters is what you do there. The whole thing is ridiculous. It’s the most ridiculous city in the world — but everyone who lives there knows that. No one thinks that L.A. “works,” or that it’s well-designed, or that it’s perfectly functional, or even that it makes sense to have put it there in the first place; they just think it’s interesting. And they have fun there. In LA, you don’t have to be embarrassed by yourself. You’re not driven into a state of endless, vaguely militarized self-justification by your xenophobic neighbors. Los Angeles is where you confront the objective fact that you mean nothing; everything there somehow precedes you, and it’s bigger than you and more abstract than you and indifferent to you. You don’t matter. You’re free.”
—Geoff Manaugh in one of my favorite Los Angeles pieces ever (via jeninla)
“Has anyone heard of this baseball player Manny Ramirez?…This guy Manny is upset because he was only offered $45 million to play for two years…and I just want to say fuck you Manny Ramirez you DICKFACE. Jesus how about being thankful for getting overpaid for hitting a ball with a stick and doing a job you love while millions of people in this country would gladly work for $4.50 an hour at a job they hate just to get by right now? FUUUCK YOUUU Manny you dreadlock loser.”
—Chelsea Handler (via busygirl)
HOME
So. F’ing. Tired.
The dream trip is over. We are all alive. One for the books.
Time to get my unemployed on!
Back In Cali!
Now just another 4 hours till we’re actually home.
There's a hot rumor going around town that we almost drank ourselves to death last night.
Believe it.Don’t believe the hype.
Caught in a Lie
- Me: Jorge, were you wasted last night?
- Jorge: No, man! Otherwise I wouldn't have driven. What do you think I am?
- Kevin: You didn't drive...
I Also Should Add
Last night was pretty damn good considering we were a couple miles away from spending the night in McCarthy’s packed car in the middle of the desert with no service on our phones and only Chips Ahoy, Oreos, a few chance York peppermint patties and some old unclaimed half-drunken Dasani bottles to nourish us, with the grim options of either waiting for another vehicle to come by to help which would surely be a person who would want to make costumes out of our skins OR walking to the nearest gas station ourselves eventually resulting in a dozen or so coyotes shitting us out next to some cactus to fry in the desert sun.
Yeah, last night was pretty good. Considering.
El Paso
Some great Mexican (food and people) in this town. Kev’s ‘Los Mavs’ shirt was quite the hit (two dudes talked to him). It’s rare being a white male that you actually feel like a minority in an entire city in the United States. It was kind of cool.
To Phoenix!
Audio Post Fail
Totally kept talking for like a minute after that. Told you we were in the middle of nowhere; suddenly had no service.
Rolling into El Paso momentarily.
I smell like gasoline.
I made it!
Thanks hottumblrs for the reblog of my gross beard! Eat it, Kevin Begley!
I am driving with two of the most generic names for their ethnicities.
A Puerto Rican named Jorge Gonzalez and an Irish guy named Kevin McCarthy.
Other people who should hop on in:
An American named John Smith.
A Chinese named Wang Lee.
A German named Hans Volkswagon.
A French named Jacque Pierre Croissant..
A Russian named Boris.
A redneck named Joe Bob.
A stripper named Bambi.
And a dog named Fido.
Gulyas does not fit in here.
Play
- Me: How much would you guys pay for one night with one of the Mav Girls?
- Jorge: Everything. Literally everything I have.
- Me: Kev?
- Kev: Uh... Fifteen years.
Dallas Zoo
Were gonna go but sounds pretty grim with a rash of animal deaths lately possibly due to old age and of course the whole Jenny the Elephant fiasco. Plus some gorilla escaped because it was only contained by a low wall that it easily jumped over and started picking people up and shaking them. So we’re not gonna go to the Dallas Zoo.
Make it a double
The Big D is just too colossal to be digested in a single day — even a long one. So tonight was the prologue. Expect tomorrow’s stories to be even better. We have some ideas we’re batting around. You’ll be informed as events transpire.
I got the Mixed Grill for dinner. A meal that always reminds me of Don DeLillo. Don’t ask if you don’t know. Anyhow, three animals gave their life so that I could feed: a quail, a deer and a buffalo. I had to explain to my friends that Buffalo Filet Mignon does not contain hot sauce.
There were some pretty girls out tonight. Unfortunately, in my efforts to avoid them, I happened upon a chance encounter with a sloppy cougar. She asked me if my balls were in my sweatshirt pocket while I did my best Queen’s guard impression. I was waiting in line for the bathroom. When my turn finally came, one of the first things I heard from the urinal was her drink smash on the floor. Dallas has been kind to us.
Jorge's farts are almost ruining the trip.
They are always the worst timing like when a hot waitress is walking towards our table or when I’m brushing my teeth. These babies have range, too. On our flight from Cali to CT a little kid got blamed for Jorge’s fart and he was sitting on the exact opposite side of the plane.
I am at a bar with Charles Barkley in Dallas.
I shit you not.
