So Far I Have Not Found the Science

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Recording the Slow Clap Podcast today, need some Would You Rather and Fuck/Marry/Kill questions. We’ll read and answer them on the show and give you a shout out. Just think! Upwards of A DOZEN people could hear your name read over the airwaves! You can’t pass this up!

Back in the summer of 2001 I spent ten days traveling up the coast of Australia with some of my best friends. Before that, we were in Hawaii for three days, and after, we were in New Zealand for another five. We spent an insane amount of time sitting around on a tour bus, and an even more insane amount of time sitting on a plane. Spending that much time with somebody, as you know, inevitably leads you to want to kill them for every stupid thing that comes out of his or her stupid mouth. For my friends and I, this could not go unchecked.

That’s why, instead of letting bad feelings fester within, we decided to air our grievances with one another openly and immediately. By taking each other to court, using The Slap System.

This is how it went.

Let’s say I say something stupid. Or you catch me in the act of some debatably incriminating behavior. I’ll use a real example. Back in the days when you had to carry huge five pound booklets of CDs to have variety of song selection on long road trips, we found that a CD burned by our friend John Golden, labeled “Golden’s Awesome Summer Mix,” contained several songs by horrible group Lifehouse.

This demands to be addressed. If you believe you have a good case against Golden, you would initiate the process of “taking one to court.”

How, you ask? Simply say “Golden, I’m taking you to court!”

The defendant is allowed to pick his or her judge. It can be anybody in the immediate vicinity, usually a friend who is already acquainted with the process. So let’s say Golden picks me as his judge. I must now hear both cases.

The accuser starts out by painting the picture. “Golden’s personalized CD mix includes Lifehouse. As you know, Your Honor, this band is horrible, and for Golden to have added any of their definitely not awesome songs to what he calls his ‘Awesome Summer Mix’, makes him equally as awful. This deserves punishment.”

The Judge hears this, and then would hear the defendant’s case. Golden might say something like “It was an old CD” or “I’m allowed to like whoever I want” or “I was drunk when I made this.” Maybe he has some better reason. But either way, the Judge has now heard both sides and can make a ruling.

The Judge will then take the time needed to decide which party he will rule in favor of. In this case, Golden was found guilty of having Lifehouse songs on his “Awesome Summer Mix.” Perhaps if he had labeled it something like “Mediocre Summer Mix”, things would have played out differently. But, alas, he was guilty.

And thusly, punishment must be doled out.

The Judge now awards the accuser a SLAP to Golden’s face. The Slaps are given in three increments:

• Level 1 Slap: The lightest offense and thus the lightest slap to the face. This may be something like making an innocent bad joke or wearing toe-divider sandals (a bigger offense in 2001 than present day).
• Level 2 Slap: Harder than a Level 1 Slap, this will leave a mark. Offenses deserving of a Level 2 Slap range from a particularly offensive fart on a confined bus, or asking your male friend if he is ticklish (a real life trial that ended poorly for the accused).
• Level 3 Slap: The death penalty of the slap sentencing. Judges are hesitant to award this slap, in fear that those being slapped may one day be judging them. But sometimes it is unavoidable. For example, in one instance, Golden was awarded a Level 1 Slap to defendant Joseph Sabia’s face. However, Golden proceeded to shamelessly backhand Sabia’s cheek with Level 3 force. Sabia had no choice but to take Golden to court in response, and unsurprisingly, Golden was justly allowed to be smacked very hard across his own face by Sabia.

Once the Judge selects the appropriate level of slap, he tells the guilty party, “Accept your fate.” And then the accuser slaps him.

Brilliant, right?

Now let’s say the Judge decides that in the case of the Lifehouse “Awesome Summer Mix” CD, Golden was wrongly accused, and you were mistaken to take him to court. Then Golden would be allowed to Level 1 Slap your face in hopes that you would learn your lesson.

And there you have it. The Slap System works, folks. By the end of the trip, all of us were so afraid to open our mouths and have somebody call us to court, we barely spoke to each other at all! Nothing annoying or dumb was said for days on end. Problem solved! Feel free to use it with your own circle of friends when traveling, or just spending too much time together! You’re welcome!

I’ll let you know what the final count is, but my bet is an 18.5 hour work day.